Today, I'm very disappointed. Actually, that's an understatement. I just don't have a better word for what I'm feeling, despite my efforts of searching through the dictionary and thesaurus.
Today I needed a certain friend's help..... I asked her: Explained my situation. She knows that she's in a unique position to help me. She could have said "No" and I would have understood. I told her so.
But she didn't say No.
She didn't say Yes either.
Instead, she chose to ignore me.
She left me hanging....
I tried to talk to her again. I practically begged her to talk to me. I apologized, even though I wasn't sure what I was apologizing for. She said nothing. Silence.
She took the easy way out. Easy for her. Hard for me. Does she owe it to me, to respond to a question? Of course not. Nobody ever owes anybody anything. But, I thought she was my friend.
I'm hurt.
Dictionary.com defines the word Friend:
1. a. One attached to another by affection or esteem
b. acquaintance
2 a. One that is not hostile
b. One that is the same nation, party or group
3. One that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4. A favored companion
1.a, 2.a, and 4 seem to fit pretty well into my own personal definition of the word.
I have yet to learn the lesson that not everyone has the same view.
I am fortunate enough to have lifelong friends who I trust above all else. If my bestie, Jennifer were to tell me tomorrow that the sky was green, I'm sure I'd debate and argue the fact with her for days. But if someone were to ridicule her for that statement, I'd back her up all the way. We look out for one another. She is a favored companion. We are attached to by affection and esteem.
She is my sister.
Our veins don't share the same blood,
but we are kin.
I have friends whom I have known most of my life, but for one reason or another, we don't talk much. We keep up on major life events and every now and then we will go out for drinks or coffee, or talk on the phone for no particular reason. When we do, we pick up where we left off without missing a beat. I value these friends tremendously.
We've grown together.
Been in each other's weddings
and been in the waiting rooms when our kids were born.
We may not necessarily be as close as we once were, but we still admire each other for our past memories and future dreams. Some of these friends have widely different opinions than mine, but we respect each other.
Always have and always will.
I have friends that relatively speaking, I have only known a short time.
Some of these friendships have started out of the blue, quickly bonding into true camaraderie. Within a few days of meeting the other, we're on the phone talking and laughing about life.
Others have started off slowly and grew into something very special.
Some of these friends, I've met by pure chance. Some friendships were developed at work. And still others I met through friends of friends.
I love these guys and appreciate every moment with them.
Then there are friends who, turns out, are conditional.
I Just didn't know it at first.
These are the people who don't share my interpretation (or that of Dictionary.com) of the word "friend".
People who convinced me that affection and esteem were mutually exchanged, but lied. These friends never make it into my first two friend categories. Obviously somebody like that, isn't going to make it to the lifelong grouping before the jig is up.
But up until that time,
I thought that they were contenders.
I realize that people can have a "falling out", but as I look back, those who have broken my heart, were the ones that who blindsided me.
Perhaps I'm naive.
Maybe I have a child's view of what it means to be a friend.
Maybe I don't understand how the world works.
It's possible that I'm not as jaded as I thought I was.
It could just be that I am a bad judge of character.
Thankfully, I haven't had many of these "friends". Most of the people I know, respect and love me, even if they disagree with me or need to say something I don't want to hear. But then again, that's part of the duties of being a friend.
Not to enable, and to point out where your buddy is going wrong. Help them get back on track.
Today was not the first time I've been hurt by someone. I hope she is, but she probably won't be the last. Oddly enough, she's connected to another friend who just walked away without saying why. It amplifies my disappointment.
I'll get over it.
I have my real friends to commiserate with. They don't judge, but offer empathy and advice.
I have my husband to assure me that "it's not me" and that sometimes, people are crappy.
His friendship is in a class all by itself. We are a team, and he's my ally. I am so so so lucky.
I have so many people in my life to remind me of what friendship is.
My family.
My Friends.
Those that are in the same nation, party or group.
My life.
-v-
